Friday, June 6, 2008

Good morning, mommy. Here's vermin in your eye.

It's 7:30 in the morning. Your oldest child, on his first day off of school for the summer, wakes up earlier than he ever does on a school day and makes a beeline for your room, where everyone in the household is now sleeping, including his brother and sister, who crept into your bed in the wee hours and are now sleeping with knees and elbows knifed into your ribs.

The oldest child "whispers" that you need to "get UP now" and wakes up the other children. You shoo them out of bed, and they all trot to the family room to watch TV. You reason that you need only 5 more minutes, and surely the 19 month old will be fine for a few minutes until you...zzzzzzz.

You wake to the middle child's voice in your ear, saying, "Mommy. I have a rat from the beach house." This statement doesn't make sense to you because you haven't been to the beach in 10 months, and...rat? You decide he's speaking some 4-year-old nonsense, give him a "mmmhmm" and try to drift back off to snoozeville.

"Mommy. It's a RAT. From the BEACH HOUSE."

This time you open one eye and turn to look at him, ready to chase off the boy and his nutty jibber jabber. And dangling one inch from your eyeball, swinging by a tail now held in the fingers of your young child, is a dead mouse.

For a moment, you close your eyes again. The situation is much too odd to be real. You must be asleep, still dreaming. The four year old disagrees. "Mommy!" he hisses. "It's a RAT!"

You open your eyes again and the thing is still there, it's wretched little claws all balled up, eyes shut tightly, body swinging like a pendulum in front of your nose.

"Is that a real mouse?" you ask the child, who nods earnestly. "Where did you find it?"

"In the family room," he tells you. "Paige found it."

"Wait. Paige touched it?"

"Mmmhmmm."

"Okay, go put that thing down. Now."

He trots away. You lie there for a moment, trying to remember if you'd seen any mice at the beach house last summer, then realize that your children are in the other room playing with a dead rodent, and it occurs to you that you really need to get the hell up.

They've left it for you in the middle of the family room floor and are watching TV again, unfazed by their gruesome discovery. You march them all into the bathroom and scrub their hands, then sweep the mouse into a dustpan and inspect it more carefully. It's a little bloody with a sort of terrified expression frozen on it's little whiskered face. The cats. What a night they must have had.

No match for your morning, though, and the joy of waking up to find a dead mouse swinging in your face. Bodes well for the rest of the day, don't you think?

P.S. Don't forget to comment on this post to enter my blogiversary giveaway!

32 comments:

Lindsay said...

Oh my GOD that is disgusting! That has to be one of the worst ways to wake up, and the best excuse to start drinking at 8 in the morning.

Lori said...

I surely would have scrubbed the skin right off their grubby little hands trying to get them clean. Gives me shivers just thinking about it. Thanks for that, I should have sweet dreams tonight! ;)

DND said...

What a way to wake up. Sounds like your cats are keeping up their end of the deal.

Katie said...

What a morning! It's even better (in a sick way) than the e-mail I got this a.m. from two of my sons who are spending a few nights at grandma's house.

Mom -- Derek threw up last night. (news to g'ma!) And I put my foot in it. I'm glad we didn't share a blanket.

Mommy -- I threw up three times last night. Then I went back to sleep. I miss you!

As charming as my puker, and his brother, are, yours win!

Aliki2006 said...

Ack!

That's horrific. It reminds me of the time I found a splattened mouse under our entryway rug a few years ago.

Rene said...

OMG!!! I hate rodents of any kind! Many years ago (during our poverty phase) we lived in what I lovingly refer to as "the drug apartments" and we had a bit of a rodent problem. We would set out traps every night and were never disappointed to see our actions were not in vain. I told DH that if we caught a rat in those traps that I was out of there. I didn't care if I had to go live downtown at a shelter!! One night we went to bed and I heard the trap snap. It must have been 10 minutes and I could still hear that trap moving around. I was getting ready to pack my bags right then and there. I told DH he better go see what was going on. For a bit he thought he was losing his wife to the homeless ranks but it turns out it was just someone's hamster that had escaped and found a way into our apartment. Nevertheless we moved just a few months later. Sure glad DS (who was a toddler at the time) did not decide to bring any of those "trophies" in to wake me up with!!

hautemommy said...

Hahaha seriously disgusting!! And yet, what an early morning wake up call eek!! :)

Anne said...

Oh my, oh my. LOL, I guess my morning was better with the bm smeared hands, pjs and books. What is it with vacation. My kids who all have to be woken up for school are now waking up at 30 minutes earlier than they had to for school. At least the older two can read in their rooms, quietly.

Jaci said...

Thanks for the comment on my blog! Waking up to a dead mouse is definitely worse than waking up to "Let me out! Mickey Mouse Cereal!!!"

I'm adding you to my blog roll. :)

womaninawindow said...

Well, well, welcome to me. My first time here and I have to say, I rather like your rodent infestation. Next time I come back I'm a gonna wear boots!

MadMad said...

Wow.

And yet... hysterical, as always.

Amanda said...

I don't laugh out loud much over something I read but I was laughing my a$$ off reading that! My DD did something similar recently... she dug up a worm then told her nana she wanted to give it to me (she was at nanas house for the night). They go out to eat mexican and she whispers "I've got a worm in my pocket" and everyone laughs in disbelief... until she pulls the worm out right there at the table.

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

Okay, you just beat any mouse post I've ever written. And I've written a lot of them.

Bonnie the Boss said...

I am not commenting because of the contest. I came over from mad, mad. I am so sorry you had to wake-up that way. I am sure would have been yelling!!!!! You handled yourself quite well. EWWW!!!!!

TLCknits said...

Ah.. reminds me when my sis wanted my mom to get up one morning.. and my mom wanted a few more winks... To that, my mom felt the sheet whish up and then down... but ignored it... til she felt the toad!

Stephanie said...

1st time visitor over from Mad Mad ... That's nuts. At least your cat catches them, my cats just like to follow them around and watch them.

Maraiya said...

Hopefully that means that nothing worse could have happened the rest of the day; like the old swallow-a-live-frog-first-thing-in-the-morning-and that-will-be-the-worst-part-of-your-day adage.

shortoldlady said...

Makes me appreciate my grown children (25 & 23) - a little!

Marla said...

thanks for the great laugh... Funny the things that happen in the early morning that you try to tell yourself are jsut in your dreams :)

Good & Crazy said...

Here from MAD MAD,

and

YEEEICK!

Enjoy that. Your kids are troupers to not be phased by the dead mouse thing...

WA said...

Funny, funny, funny!

GRAY MATTER MATTERS said...

Wait, you lost me at, "and then I said..."
There would be no SAID if it were me just be a bone curdling scream of terror.
You totally win for worst morning ever.

Dawn@Embracing the Ordinary Life said...

LOL...that's funny...in a "I so get you, and bless you, and I feel your pain" sort of way...

Mimi said...

OMG...that is awful! What a way to wake up....as a teacher (with no kids), I am smiling to think of all the uninterrupted sleep....

wait, was that insensitive??

Threeundertwo said...

Just found your blog. So funny, in a glad-it-didn't-happen-to-me way.

I'll be back.

Cookie said...

OMG! Are you sure its not actually a nightmare or a practical joke?!

the mama bird diaries said...

Mad Mad sent me. And boy was it worth the trip. You are a riot.

As for the mouse. Well, a dead mouse is better than a live one, any morning of the week. Eeeeek.

Laurie said...

I am visiting from mad, mad. Very funny, except I am up very early, and now I am wondering what may be lurking in the recesses of this darknened room. Enjoy your summer with your kids. It sounds like you are off to a great start!

sheila said...

Last summer, when my son was 18 years old, my slumbers were disturbed by a male voice in my bedroom. "Mom, there's a bat in the house; didn't you hear it?" "Um, no, I was asleep." I'm as squeamish as the next female, but you do what you gotta do. I managed to locate the little bat. It was hunkered down in a dismally messy corner of the son's room and it seemed to be injured. I finished it off and disposed of it without coming anywhere near it. I still get the heebie-jeebies thinking about it!

Louisa said...

that is hysterical! I have woken up to dead rodents before (thanks to the cat) but not one dangling in front of my face...gross! I think I would have reacted the same way you did...'were there rodents? maybe if i just go back to sleep...what? my kids are playing with a rodent!' I LOVE IT. You had me laughing!

jada said...

omg that is nasty
cool an

jada said...

omg that is nasty
cool and well cool