The 8 phases of the holiday photo

Oh, the blessed ritual of the holidays. The festivity, the preparing of home and heart to welcome miracles. The feasting, the sharing, the ushering in of a new hope, a new year. All this richness is what every mother hopes to capture in her children's holiday photo.


Phase One: Robot Children
You're just beginning. Everyone is hopeful, cooperative. They're trying. But it's just too stiff. Not warm enough.



Phase Two: Grandma tries to help
Grandma steps in and attempts to make everyone smile. From the other end of the room.



Phase Three: New Location
You decide an outside shot might be better. Everyone settles in, tries to find a comfortable pose. Especially the two-year old, whose most comfortable pose is less than modest. Also, your sister pulls into the driveway and yells, "Hi guys!" just as you're hitting the button.



Phase Four: Smile!
Everyone gets comfortable. You say, "Smile!" The two-year old really, really tries.



Phase Five: Impatience decends
Everyone is getting just a little bit anxious. "This is going to be it!" you reassure them. "Just one more!" And yes, it's a great shot! Cute! Natural! Semi-focused! Except the four-year-old forgot to sit still.



Phase Six: Hilarity
They've begun to mock your dream of a nice Christmas photo.



Phase seven:



Phase Eight: Tears
Now you've done it. You've made the baby cry.



Phase Nine: Wine
Mutter, "F it." Go inside. Pour a glass of wine. Pick a mediocre shot and live with it.

And no, you can't see it because you might be getting a Christmas card.

Holidays officially underway.

Happy Easter, happy spring

My funny valentines

I made these for the young 'uns. They'll appreciate them for a much shorter time than it took me to make them, but I'm used to their rejection. I undertake these projects anyway, imagining a time shortly after my death, when they're all together, packing up the house. At the bottom of a box, they'll unearth these lovingly embroidered hearts and sob with adoration and gratitude...so...

Happy Valentine's Day!