Allow me to Translate

All mothers laugh at themselves for using those "mom phrases" they swore would never cross their lips. But who ever stops to wonder why we can't stop ourselves from saying them? Who takes time to consider why every mother in the universe (yes, universe; Martian protozoa are parents, too) has muttered "Just wait til your father gets home."

I stop to think about it, that's who. And I have a theory.

It's simple: If we didn't say something trite, we'd say something...else.

If we didn't say, "Because I said so," we'd say, "Enough with your why why why already! Now SHUT IT! ShutItShutItShutItShutItShutItShutItShutIt! SHUT. IT!"

If we didn't say, "I can't have anything nice," we'd say, "You little... Do you think I paid $2000 for this TV so you'd have somewhere to display your handprints? Sit the heck BACK and keep your grimy hands OFF MY STUFF. Allofit!"

If we didn't say, "Well, I'm not Timmy's mom," we'd say, "Well, Timmy's mom is a flippin' idiot."

If we didn't say, "I'm not your maid," we'd say, "I have 2 degrees, 7 years of professional experience, and kick ass references. But I spend my days picking your dirty socks up off the kitchen floor? Keep it up and I'm putting in my notice, kid."

If we didn't say, "I don't care who started it," we'd say, "Keep it up. Just keep beating each other in the head. Maybe you'll knock yourselves unconscious for a couple of hours. "

If we didn't say, "There are starving children in the world," we'd say, "I spend my once disposable income on mac and cheese, chicken nuggets, and Lucky Charms. Eat or I'm using the grocery money for 12 packs and handbags."

If we didn't say, "Turn it off. TV will rot your brain," we'd say, "Please, for the love of goodness, sit there all day and watch Nickelodeon so I can have more than 10 minutes of quiet and maybe a nap."

If we didn't say, "I can't hear myself think," we'd say, "If you don't stop yelling, howling, and whining, I'm going to get in the car and drive far far away to California and start life over on a cooperative farm."

If we didn't say, "Mommy loves you even when she's angry," we'd say, "Even if you grow up to be an armed robber, a polygamist, a Wall Street asshole, I will welcome you home. You have me wrapped not only around your little finger, but your thumbs, pinkies and at least 3 of your toes. I'm a sucker for you, I'm a fool for you. Please miss me when you go to college. Please look at me with the same trust and adoration when you're 35. Please love me always as much as you love me now."

This Week On The Young and the Feckless

Bailey learns that Mitch has broken the glass globe off of the leaping dolphin snow globe jewelry box she bought at a beach gift shop. Will she forgive him? Will she retaliate? Will she come up with something more original than, "I TOLD you to stay OUT of MY ROOM"?

After getting a little too comfortable working from home, John shaves for the first time in four days. Will he clean out the sink? Will Ashley serve him with divorce papers if he doesn't?

Ant Family Jubilee continues in the family's kitchen. Not to be foiled by Ashley's mad caulking spree, the ants persevere and discover that they can enter the kitchen from the top of the window, where caulking is, alas, much less convenient. Over night, they find that the cabinet above the stove holds peanut butter!! Much feasting ensues. Tomorrow: Will they discover the forbidden basket of 6 month-old lollipops?

After long weeks of denial, Paige finally comes to terms with the fact that Ashley and John do indeed mean business about the whole staying in the crib thing. Upon this realization, she throws a level 10 fit followed by a pitiful withering onto the mattress and a fitful, snuffling sleep. Will she go to sleep without a fuss tomorrow? Will she stay asleep longer than 20 minutes? Tune in and find out.

Mitch gets kicked out of the ophthalmologist's office when he refuses to stop touching the very expensive equipment and pushing the very interesting buttons on the very expensive equipment while Dr. J checks Paige's leaky eyeball. Dr. J even goes so far as to leave off calling Mitch "buddy," take him firmly by the arm, and guide him to a chair where he tells him, "Sit down, now, fellow." Ashley feels both mortified and relieved. Will she take Mitch with her to Owen's ophthalmologist appointment on Tuesday? If so, will he cooperate? (Actually, you don't have to tune in to find out about this one. The answer is hell no he's not coming.)

Owen wins the "Looking Like a Learner" award in reading class, but when asked for more detail about the criteria for this award, he reveals that (cue loud organ music) HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT "LOOKING LIKE A LEARNER" MEANS! Will Owen look like a learner tomorrow? Tune in never to find out since he has no clue how to repeat the reward-worthy behavior.

Like sand in an hour glass...so are the days of our, um, young and feckless...lives.